COMMITMENT. Even the word strikes fear into the heart of many of us, while others actively search for this Holy Grail – within and without. It makes them feel safe.
Go slowly - you can trust yourself
Wherever you stand on the ‘C’ word, fear of commitment to a relationship seems to be a major part of many people’s psychological makeup today. Closely followed by fear of commitment to work, to a geographical location, to well, just about anything really. Perhaps we all have a little bit of the high plains drifter in us, whether we actively express it or not. But is this healthy?
Ultimately it’s all about a fear of commitment to ourselves.
Why we won’t commit
Often we fear commitment because we’ve been hurt before – and will do anything to avoid it happening again. We’ve been in relationships where we have been used, taken for granted, or been controlled. Relationships where our partners have cheated on us, have left us with children to bring up, or simply been emotionally unavailable. Lack of trust – in ourselves – or in others plays a major part in not wanting to commit. We either don’t trust ourselves to make the right decision about a future mate, or we just don’t trust – full stop. We bring the past into the present and assume that every new potential partner is going to treat us the same way.
Fear gets in the way
Our current fears often have their origin in childhood where emotional patterns are constructed. Most of us are wounded children running around in adult bodies. The wounds haven’t healed either because we are ignoring our pain or have simply denied them. Or we feel powerless. Often fear of failure, shame, rejection and loss are at the heart of lack of commitment.
So how can us commitment phobes get a grip on a habit that actually delays happiness? And often stops us from becoming as fully successful as we could be, and be open to give and receive love – fully. Many people who avoid commitment often feel quite isolated and lonely, whether they are playing the field, or tucked up at home with a TV dinner and a DVD.
Change your thinking
But like a CD that can be re-written, so can our thinking and our responses. Cognitive behavioural therapy, NLP (neuro lingustic programming) and hypnosis are excellent modalities that help re-frame our minds and help us move out of a fear-based existence to one of joy and expansion. Being committed, as I have recently discovered, doesn’t mean my options narrow, it actually means I have access to more of myself. I am open to success. And I am also open to the fact that I will make mistakes, but that I will learn from them. It doesn’t make me a bad person.
Choose someone who makes you feel good about yourself
Healthy relationships are those where you and your partner encourage, support and really love each other. Exactly as you are.
A healthy relationship is one that makes you feel strong, brave, sexy, attractive and wanted. It gives you the feeling that you can go out and do anything. It builds trust between you and your partner. It gives you the freedom and confidence to explore – in every sense. A healthy relationship supports you finding more of yourself. And being confident enough to give, without wanting something back all the time.
Go slowly. Take your time and above all talk to your partner about any fears that come up. Someone who loves you will listen to you, not belittle you. They will hold you and comfort you. Not tell you to get a grip. Or throw your vulnerability back in your face a week later.
Inner work – it’s up to you
Of course, you have to do the inner work yourself. No other human being has the capacity to make you happy all of the time. And it’s an unrealistic demand to put on anyone. You are responsible for your own happiness. But by establishing a closer relationship with yourself, by connecting with your fears and strengths, you’ll become more resilient, more likely to want to engage more fully with people again. The fear doesn’t necessarily go away, but your reaction to it will have changed. And with any luck, you’ll stop running away from the very thing you crave – someone who loves you just the way you are.
Don’t postpone happiness…
